Kermit

I take my hat off to the guy who set up a web site to report bad drivers, as we see them every day when we are out on the road with Funerals. Better Driving Please is a site where you can report inconsiderate drivers. Take today for example. A hearse and 2 limo's parked ouside church (The mourners were inside). When a white mini bus came down the road. He could not get through, so I started to get the keys to move the limo. He then started sounding his horn. I started reversing my limo about 400 yrds, with him driving almost on my bonnet trying to make me go faster. When he got past, there was no wave of thanks, in fact no acknowledgment at all. I repositioned my limo in the cortege. I then got out and went and sat with the Hearse driver. 2 minutes later, the same mini bus came back down the street, and again started sounding his horn. two of us then got out to have a quite word, and to tell him to have some respect as it was a Funeral. He was not concerned at all, even after we had told him it was a BABY'S funeral. I hope, that if he has a loved one who passes on, that he has a quieter service than our poor people did. A real 'Muppet. On a lighter note. I was very pleased to get hold of a CD with Jack Jenney on Trombone. Superb. In fact, I have figured that if I start practicing 12 hours a day for the next 50 years, then I might get to play a couple of bars like him. Mind you I would be well over a 100!!!

Ozzy Osbourne

Very nice to bump into the founder of the OBB last night. Had a good chat about the past and the Band's success. Technically it is still his Band, but he seemed very pleased with the way things are going, with our team efforts.
Did you know that Andy our Drummer once played the Drums when he was in Australia. However now he is back in the UK he has stopped beating around the Bush!!!!!

One Two Free

They say you can't get something for nothing these days..!!!!!! Well, I am afraid 'they' are wrong. One of the items voted in at the AGM, was to reduce our interval from 30 minutes to 20 minutes at the Oak, which can only mean we will play more music to the audience. The bad news is that we have had to double the entrance price.....but seeing that has always been 'free' then it is doubly free. Fair giving it away?

Coffin fit

For saying it was a Monday I fairly jumped out of bed this morning. Mind you I did have cramp. A long drive to work ,then ooop North on the Motorway to fetch some kit. I forgot to mention that while I was in town I saw a bloke who had taken his Anorak off, and it was dancing , unaided' up and down beside him. People were giving him money. I said do you make a living out of this. And he said 'Yes, it's my livelihood?

Maria

Tonight was our AGM, and a very pleasurable one it was too. All the Band had constructive suggestion, and it was a real family atmosphere, and that is what makes the OBB so special, as it now is, one big family . In fact we managed the meeting in under 3 hours, and this included plates of sarnies brought in by our excellent landlord of the pub. It also meant that Roy the Wallet could get home early for a couple of glasses of 'Blue Nun' ah that's living alright.

We'll Meet Again

A great day out in the Peak District today. We are lucky where we live to be on the doorstep of some of the most beautiful countryside in England. I am starting to collaborate all the suggestions for our AGM at the moment. I am sure that our meeting will be allot shorter than last year, as all the members of the Band are extremely professional, and all are heading in the same direction, keeping the name of the OBB ,the most entertaining Big Band in the Midlands.

Heap Big Trouble

We did a Horse Drawn Funeral today. It is always a magnificent sight to see the Victorian Glass paneled coach drawn by 2 Jet Black Horses complete with Black Plumes and Livery. Also it is a magnificent feat, to turn the horses in our small yard, but it was done in one go. All did not go quite to plan though. The 2 horses always work together and are real characters. It was quite a long pull to the church, and one of the horses thought he would take a rest by leaning on the other whilst on the move. The other Horse however was having none of this, and moved, causing the other other Horse to topple down onto it's front legs, closely followed by the back legs buckling as well. The lady in charge was prepared for this happening, and with a click of her tongue, the Horse got itself back up, and continued as though nothing had happened, phew. Which reminds me of The Lone Ranger and Tonto, who are holed up in a Fort awaiting the attack of Apache Indians. Tonto gets down and puts his ear to the floor. Um, Apaches approaching. There are 50 horses, 25 Black and 25 Palomino. Um, all the Apaches have Winchester Rifles. And the Lone Ranger says, 'You can tell all that from listening to the ground?' And Tonto says' Um. me can tell all that by looking under the gate....

2 left feet

I may have mentioned, that although I am a Dance Band musician, I absolutely hate Dancing. I have taken dancing lessons, under much duress, as my partner wanted to do it. But was poked in the ribs many a time for messing around. I have danced at the Tower Ballroom, but after the first circuit, started larking around, and got kicked again (does this make me a battered (sic)partner?) One of the Dances I never learned to do was 'The Foxtrot' and I am always in awe of the people who can do it. Saying this though, it always looks to me that no 2 couples are actually doing the same dance?? Did you know that 'The Foxtrot' was only given it's name in year 1914. Before that it was called 'The Horse Trot' and even stranger 'The Fish Walk' My cod, can you believe that!

Burn baby Burn

Very enjoyable blow last night, but the Band sounded strange as the bass player had not turned up. It turns out that I have been playing a solo for many years, by the Trombonist I am researching at the moment. Jack Jenney's solo in Moonglow, is written exactly how he played it, so I hope I have done it justice for all these years. Away from music, I wonder if I will ever learn to eat just normal things. Whilst serving abroad I would try all sorts of exotic dishes, from Horse to Frogs, and Squid to Blue Fish. Seems now the old tum wont take it. As I have found out to my cost the last few day's having put Peri Peri sauce in my soup, This is like pouring molten lava into your mouth. I now have a derriere like a Japanese Flag.....ouch

Musical Chairs

A few days ago I watched the film based on the life of Judy Garland. This inspired me to buy a couple of DVD's of her singing live in concert. The particular show I watched was the Duets with Sinatra and Dean Martin. Live, and note perfect, including the camaraderie between Dean and Frank. You never got to see the orchestra, but they were on the go all the time, and not a 'fluff' to be heard. What amazing talent in those day's, so much different to the shows that are lip synced' and edited with canned applause. However reading about that era of musicians, the pressure always seemed to be tremendous. There was always someone waiting in the wings, younger and better, just waiting for you to drop a clanger. So much so, that allot of musicians hit the bottle quite heavily, to stave off the nerves and pressure. A few years ago I was talking to a French Horn player from one of the top London orchestras, and he said in the classical world ,not much has changed, as he had to put in hours and hours of practice so as not to lose his seat on top stand. Glad this is just a hobby for us lol.

Hi De Hi

A very interesting night at the Oak tonight. Dave the Prog, had pulled out some numbers we had not played for ages. This is always good to keep musicians focused and sharp. We played numbers from Georgia to String of Pearls and Send in the Clowns to Minnie the Moocher, which had the audience Hi De Hi De Hi..ing throughout the song. We also played a request for a Birthday girl in the audience, and then took her outside to give her the bumps....it took us most of the interval to complete this task lol.
Some great solo work from individual members tonight. Only the Band will understand what musical flexibility they performed in certain numbers tonight, which after all these years is a testimony to there concentration and professionalism, and as a front man, I thank them all from the bottom of my heart...

The greats

Just been listening to a superb Trombonist by the name of Jack Jenney. His rendition of Stardust was one of the best ever, and he never played it the same way twice. Jack died at the early age of 35, but by that time he had ran his own Band (which unfortunately was a financial disaster) and played with some of the greats. He passed away due to complications connected with an appendicitis. His flexibility on the instrument was amazing, and he could hit top f's at the drop of a hat. If anyone knows of any reading material on this guy, then please let me know.

Easy PC

Weekends are supposed to be full of fun and a time to relax. However, Doris my Sat Nav let me down once again today and we ended up 5 miles from our destination, as she gleefully announced' You have now reached your destination' . However we were in the middle of a farmers field, and he did not look to impressed. Add to this the joy of trying to set up 'Broadband' for my partner, of which the instructions say 'Will only take seconds, and you will be travelling on the Internet Highway........ well I figure that there must have been an accident on the 'Highway' as 4 hours later we were still no nearer, even though a nice lady many miles from the UK guided us through the set up, on the phone.......and then said......it is probably the PC....
I am now going to lie down with a moist lettuce leaf on my forehead, with a can of S***a and a bag of Pork Scratchings. Roll on Monday.

You need Hands. free

There are not many things that make me see red. apart from, Thieves, Bad Manners, People who bluff people into thinking they are great, liars,people with colds who don't use their hand when they cough or sneeze oh and people using Mobile Phones while driving. I just can't help myself if I see it. Today on the way to work, a woman had her windows down with loud music blaring out (If it had been the OBB CD it would have been fine) and I had no problem with that. But she was actually texting whilst driving. Admittedly we were crawling forward in a traffic jam, but in my job, I have heard of, and seen the results of fatal accidents caused by mobile phone users in a car. The white mist took over. I wound my window down, and shouted at her (politely) to put her phone down. She shouted something doubting my parenthood. She then said 'Whats it got to do with you' I was in work clothes which consists of white shirt, black tie, and black jumper. I shouted, ' I am on the way to the station, you will be reported and to watch the post'.........She put her phone down.....sorted. Ok I was going to the station, to drop in a coroners report, and at no time did I infer I was a policeman, but it did the trick. Actually the last time I did this, I actually got out to speak to the person concerned, told them I was an Undertaker and what they were doing was irresponsible, and they took it on board. Only a matter of time then before I get my teeth kicked in!!!!But until then, on with the crusade. Evening All!

Angel 0 Devil 1

You never know how relaxed an audience is going to be until you get to a gig. In some ways it is the same with the passengers in the my limousine in the Cortege. It does not happen very often, but sometimes the mood is very light. As was today.As is a tradition in the UK, the Funeral Director walks in front of the Hearse from the house we have picked up from. He only walks a few yards, and then gets back into the vehicle until we get to the Church or Crematorium.
The lady who sat in the front of the Limousine, looked at me and said in a very posh voice.
'He's not walking all the way is he'
Now at this point there was a little Angel on one of my shoulders and a little Devil on the other.
For what was going though my head as a reply, the Angel said 'No don't say it'
And of course the Devil' cackled and said 'Go for it'
Of course the Devil won and I said....
'No madam, he breaks into a run when he gets to the Motorway'
There was a second of silence, where my life flashed before my eyes.....and then everyone started laughing.
It was very naughty I know, but I couldn't stop myself. Oh well ,always fancied a change of career.

Quickie

An extremely busy day at work today. In fact only a quick 20 minutes for lunch. I am now known as 'Two soups' cos that is what I have just about every day, now that's living the dream!!
Played last night, with something like a resemblance of a lip, so obviously the practice is doing some good. I have already broken my New Years Resolution not to get wound up whilst driving, but there are so many shocking incidents in a driving day, I have found it impossible, especially on folks who try and break the cortege up? What goes through there heads grrrrr!!

Actually

It finally happened today. I had a senior moment. I love all kinds of music (except country, which is usually about your dog dying or your wife leaving you!!!) and buy Cd's if I hear just one track on the radio that I like. I heard a track on the Chiller Cabinet, so ordered the CD, which came all the way from Argentina! only to find I already had the album Doh!!!. It is now a case that when I get halfway upstairs I can't remember if I was going up or coming down? Prediction for 2008. A young Female vocalist by the name of Olivia Olson will become very popular. I heard her singing on a film when she was aged just 10. The producers of the film thought that the audiences would not believe ,that such a young girl ,would have such a beautiful voice, so asked her to tone it down a bit. Now that is talent.

Never Forget

Fronting the Band for 12+ years, I have tried to come up with different material for each Concert .When I think of the number of Concerts we have performed at over these years at the Oak ,plus numerous gig's over the years, then this is allot off material. My bookshelves are full of joke books, and my PC files with joke web site addresses. I have files of jokes that the audience have provided for me and even last night read through some Xmas Cracker jokes that people had given me. (Only they were really out of a joke book lol) My cupboards are full of notes and ideas, and there are even some scribblings under my bed (no rude books honest ) Of the material out there 90% is rude, 3% racist and 5% sexist, which does not leave allot to work with. I seem to be spending longer now finding new material and looking back at the stuff I have used all the years, making sure I don't tell the same joke twice? It can be a stress so as not to let the audience down, and keep the Band's name as 'The Most Entertaining' at it's peak.
Which reminds me.
A guy who was on Safari in Africa came across an injured Elephant. The poor thing was lying on the floor in obvious pain. The guy noticed a thorn sticking out of the Elephants foot, so removed it. The Elephants discomfort was immediately relieved, and he got himself to his feet and ambled back into the wild, turning once to look at the guy who had taken away his pain.
20 years later, this same guy was standing on the streets of New York watching a Circus parade pass by. Suddenly from the parade, out charged an Elephant. He came straight up to this bloke, wrapped his trunk around him, lifted him into the air, and then threw him to the ground, killing him instantly.
It was a different Elephant!

Nice Chap

Why do the hours at the weekend go quicker than when you are at work? Had a smashing weekend, going out for lunch and also to the flicks to see Golden Compass, a film that is similar to 'Narnia' As a kid I was a member of the ABC minors (We are the boys and girls well known as Minors of the ABC, and every Saturday we line up to see the films we like and shout aloud with glee....la la la etc) which were great times and loads of fun. Went to a Garden Centre Sunday and surprised to see that Xmas comes even earlier than ever ,as they had Xmas decorations for sale ;-).
With working in the cold these last few weeks I have got chapped lips, which does the old embouchure no good at all. So at tonight's Concert at the Oak it was a real struggle. Again I need to put more practice in to get it right, but there does not seem enough hours in the day at the moment! Was approached by another person wanting to hire the Band tonight. 2008 could see us break all records.

Mooving

There is allot in the press at the moment about UK Binge drinking. It's strange because there was no mention of it when I was stationed in Germany. As a Military Band we would often be asked to play for Schutzenfest's (Shooting Festivals) which usually meant a whole village turning out to compete in a Marksman type competition. This could be done in a day, or over a complete weekend. The Band was usually booked for the whole event. starting with playing for the 'shootists' breakfast which was usually at an unearthly hour of 6am. Nothing unusual about this apart from the schnapps and beer that was flowing along with the raw steak sarnies and pickles. The chap in charge of hosting the Breakfast would be most insulted if the Band did not take part in an early morning drink with the whole team. The Down/up side to this, would be, it went on all day. March to tent have a Beer and play a Concert wit more beer. March to next tent have a beer etc etc? By 9pm at night you were still trying to carry a Military deportment whilst having consumed half a raw cow, and 12 pints of German Larger (underestimate) I would not like to have been the winner though. Just outside the village, a catering company would be waiting with Beer and more raw steak to turn up at the winners house and feed all the competitors and their families and the Band. All paid for by the winner?
Actually if you have never tried raw minced steak with raw egg and black pepper, then you are missing out on a culinary treat.

Hide and seek

Whilst I am in the mood for useless information. Did you know that your DVD collection may contain more material than you might first have thought. Hidden in some DVDs is bonus material that is cunningly hiding in the Main Menu. If you type DVD Easter Egg's (that's what it's called honest) into any search engine, you will come up with lists of title's that contain this bonus material, and how to access it.Now I really must go for a lay down as my brain hurts;-)

Aladin

I often hear tunes on the radio that I instantly like, but don't know the title. The Chiller Cabinet on Classic FM between 12am and dusk is a fantastic programme, and I have bought more Cd's after hearing a great track, than any other Radio Station. Thing is, I was stumped on how to get the title of the track, as sometimes they do not announce what they are. Sorted though by the miracle of technology. If you have a mobile phone and dial 2580, hold the phone to the speaker, and 'shazam' in a few seconds you will get the title in text form, in seconds. This works with all tunes and stations, and 9 out of ten times, will come up trumps. I envisaged a little musical world wise guy sitting in a darkened room somewhere, listening at the other end of the phone, and frantically texting you back. Try it, it's great.

Jim

I am an avid reader, and at this present time have 3 books on the go. One is the 'History of Glue' I just can't put it down!!! I happen to be reading a story written by Princess Diana's Butler who gives a true insight into her life. I am lucky enough to have played in front of the majority of the Royals, and even had my boots inspected by the Queen Mum bless her. The person who made the most impact on me was Princess Di. Hard to explain why, but she just had a presence about her, and when she looked at you, there was something in her eyes that made everyone feel special. My most stressful time though was getting the timing right as the Duchess of Kent came down the stairs in the Hilton Hotel Vienna. Especially when someone came down who looked like her, so to her surprise she got 5 bars of the 'Radetzky March' But bet she will remember it for all of her life.

Big Boy

Chatting with some other Funeral Operatives today (posh job title eh!) about the choice of music at Funerals. Be it from the deceased themselves or the family, I always think the choice of music is the most important part of the service (Not the Hymns) as it can say so much about the person, and most importantly can leave a message. Their are a few titles that are almost always played. Of course 'Moonlight Serenade' is popular as is 'Time to Say Goodbye 'and 'Meet me on the other side' .' Nimrod' is another stirring number and I have even heard 'Always Look on the Bright Side of life'! (With the swear word) The weirdest at a Cremation was 'Come on baby light my fire!!'. I myself will have 'Mad World' or 'Maybe Tomorrow' (But not to soon I hope). One of the chaps asked me ,that if I could have a chat with anyone living or dead who would I choose. I said the living one of course!!!
Peter our Ninja Master...erm I mean Web Master works very hard on the competition page of the OBB site. We only seem to be getting a few entries, and one couple now have won tickets up to the year 2016 (only joking). So if you are reading this, then whiz over to the site and have a go. This months comp is an interesting one. You need to guess how much Pete's instrument weights!! ooer missus.

London Sight Seeing

Sunday night was the Band's 12th night Xmas Social. Good Food, Good Company, Good wine and Goodbye Xmas. There were quite a few photo's of the Band floating around the table's. From it's birth 13 odd years ago ,up to the latest gig, it has been an incredible journey. Santa, had bought Derek the Bass, a new digital photo frame, There were dozens more Band photo's being displayed every couple of seconds, including one that looked like the Millennium Dome....then I realised it was the top of my head!!!!! To have the Wives and partners with us was a real treat last night, but there were a few moans about the amount of work we have got on in 2008. Well I am in real trouble now, as 2 more prospective bookings are on the books. But don't worry ,as it is only 353 shopping days until next Chrimbo...hooray!!!

The Journey

Missed Saturdays blog by 30 minutes drat. Not surprising though as Saturday has been very busy. I had a call at about 1pm to say that the hall for a dance we were playing at that night, had been double booked. This meant a later start, and later set up. The next thing was trying to get this info to 18 musicians. I think we 99% succeeded in this. I did not front the Band tonight, but sat and played and thoroughly enjoyed myself, for the first time in ages. The Band was professionally MC'd by Dave the Sax. This guy is a fantastic section leader and soloist and supremely proficient on the mic. In fact when it comes time for me to sit down and take my place within the Band, I dearly hope this guy will take over the helm. The blood, sweat and tears that have gone into getting the Band where it is today over the last 13 years, has been an incredible journey, and I am so proud and privileged to have been a part of it, although I think it has probably taken 20 years off my life. But as I am only 28 that isn't a problem!!!
Despite all the practice, my lip is still not as flexible as I know it can be, so I need to put much more work in. Ah well back to the drawing board.

The long and the short

For an upcoming dance we are playing for, Tim the pad has dug out some old Jimmy Lally arrangements to add a bit of variety to the night (I can't remember why we got rid of them in the first place!). The amazing thing about these arrangements is, they can be played by a small number of musicians, for example a quartet, up to a 17 piece Big Band, and still work? They are not difficult to play, and are usually catchy tunes. We are a Band that are not amateur in thought ,to be just playing for ourselves.But our goal is to entertain the audience,and up to now I think we have succeeded. By the way I forgot to tell you what I got for Xmas.
Well I got a pen that writes underwater.
I just wish it would write other words!

Baby it's cold outside

I have to say that I hope I never get run over or taken ill over the next few wintry days. Trouble is, it is that cold in my job, that I have had to dig out the old thermal long john's!!! I did not realise that the elastic had gone, so had to improvise with a paperclip to hold the waistband in? Can you imagine being stripped off by a stranger (!) in the hospital,and finding me in in thermal vest and pants!!!!. Bang would go the street cred? (What street cred??) I also was reading an article today about the dangers of drinking to much. It really scared me. So that's it. From now on..........................., no more reading.

The long and empty road.

Managed to motivate myself to do an hours practice last night. These play along CDs really help to pass the time on a session. Back to work today (have I been off??) and noticeable that 90% of peoples bedroom curtains were still closed as I wended my way, on virtually clear roads, to my place of doom......erm I mean work. Am I jealous that people are still off.......of course!!!
Will catch up on the Band gig list for 2008 tonight, as it is filling quicker than last year, which must speak for the Bands success in itself. But before that, I think I will have the last of the Xmas pud, and stollen, and mince pies and Stilton...all washed down with a tonic water (ha)

Arnold

I remember seeing a programme on the box about a guy who celebrates Xmas every day of the year, He eats a Christmas dinner with pud every day, watches the Queen's Xmas speech every day( until someone stole the video) and opens pressies that he has wrapped himself every day. So how come I have only had 3 bigger than normal festive meals and I feel like a beached whale? Sluggish and lethargic and no energy? I am sure if I was an animal I would be one that usually hibernates over Winter. I have put on about a stone in weight, so must have been that extra sprout I ate (surely can't be the beer). Oh well, back to the Gym for me then!